Platonic

I don’t get why it has turned out like this, and I don’t see why this should’ve happened. I’m the one with more reasons to say that it isn’t worth putting up with things at hand. Having stuck by as long as I have, and having endured as much as I did, I should be given something. A medal (perhaps) — an award for my continued patience to the treatment I’d received but no, this is your stuff. This is your own personal issues and mind you, I was always there.

I don’t know how I feel about this. At the moment I’m angry, but tomorrow I’ll probably feel a little sad. Actually, I don’t think I’m angry — that would imply that my feelings towards you are mainly negative. I think a better word would be is that I’m frustrated.

I’m frustrated by the fact that you’re so closed off. I’m frustrated by the fact that in your mind, it was better to just dismiss the things that need to be talked about. I’m frustrated by the fact that even though I value our friendship more than anything else, it is as if you don’t really care.

Every now and again, you’d say or imply that nobody cared about you, and that you don’t give a damn about anyone or even yourself. You lived and still live your life with reckless abandon and play things by ear. You failed to notice the people around you who came back time after time and incident after incident and yet, you played naive. Ever even thought why would they still be there if they didn’t care? AND YES, I AM ONE OF THEM. I am one of the few who stayed. If I didn’t care at all, why then have I stayed just to save you? Why would you have been one of the few people I asked about your life and wanted to know how you are coping with it?

Maybe you are just not aware that a lot of people in your life cares for you too. You are beyond reason. I can feel you blowing up and cursing about life and it’s complexities but for crying out loud, I AM STILL HERE.

As how majority convey this kind of scenario or situation, the more you get it (whatever “it” is), the more you expect it, and the less likely you are to appreciate it. And it makes no difference how crucial “it” is. There is nothing more crucial in your life. But there’s also nothing more frequent. And probably nothing you take more for granted. What stirs gratitude within us? It’s when we’re the recipient of UNUSUAL kindness. When I say “unusual,” I don’t mean extraordinary; I mean not-usual, uncommon, or infrequent. But when events become the norm our gratitude slumbers.

I’m not going to say something as cliche as “I have a lot going on”. I do, but that isn’t the reason why I would even give up. Until the day comes where you can function as an adult and respect the advice I have told you as how a good friend should do (unless there was something incredibly wrong that you felt the need to protect me from). We’ve gone through the motions of love, space, respect, resentment, and I can’t say that I’ll just forget about all of these and act like I never knew you.  It just goes to show by the how you handled things that I was so naive to think you could feel the same.

And oh, I know that you have been sober for weeks now. I have said that you mean a lot to me. I have also said that I see you as someone who will change to become a better man– with flaws and imperfections BUT who will be PERFECT in my eyes. I hope you would…and if that day comes, I will be the happiest person for you– to see you grow and to know that you love yourself more.

Rise and shine as bright as you could each day no matter how cruel life is at times. Cheer up… And most importantly, shine brightly so that I could see your rays just like the sun. I wish you the best of luck in life, my dear friend.

-cfaithlopez

Superwoman and Other Metaphors of Cruelty

People are intentionally hurtful.

They have no consideration to others just as long as they can accommodate their own feelings, and their own needs. People have no faith for what they cannot see and feel. What matters to them is what or who is present at the moment.

And, they always weave an extravagant web of lies to serve as your trap. Tragic, yes, the more you try to get away the more you get entangled in the web. There is no getting away. The lies are going to corrupt and devour your soul.

I am in the web.

I am trapped.

I feel helpless.

I want to break free.

The Theory of Communicative Silence

The best and one of the most unforgettable classes I ever had was the lectures of Prof. Josephine “Pepin” Aguilar in Sociology. Although I hadn’t taken up previous Sociology subjects prior to that, I never appreciated the theories on society as well as I have during her classes.

Within the four walls of Room 103, everything has reason, all can be explained. Detaching ourselves from the rest of the world, we sat by our desks as critical viewers of society, analyzing and expounding on things, taking sides, and then changing perspectives.

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January 14, 2014

You chose yourself and your lies over the one that really matters most. On top of it all, you chose to be with her after your work shift and even until now, you are still with her.

What the hell happened to all your promises the other night? What happened to all the things that I’ve held on to? Nothing… Purely nothing. Everything just turned into ashes as if it were a house burnt down in minutes. Indeed, THAT fast. You know what I’m crying about? There is no US anymore. It has always been you and your selfish SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS from the very start. I feel so bad about it, you know. You just don’t have any idea how deeply wounded I am, and yet I always hide it with a sweet smile.

And now, I do not know you at all. Had I known that you’d hurt me this bad, I should’ve taken 10 steps back in this relationship just to completely evade you. SERIOUSLY, what have I done for you to lie to me like this? What have I done for you to mistreat me? Have I not done enough just to be the perfect woman for you or even the most patient partner you could ever have? How ingrate of you to treat me like this.

I haven’t slept yet, you see.–Not even an hour. It feels like the world’s crumbling down on me and this is the time that I needed you MOST but you are not around. Yes, I give credit to the days or even months that you had me stay here but it is incomparable to the emptiness that I feel within. You know why? Because even if you are around, we don’t get to talk about the most essential things that we need to fix in this relationship. Next is, whenever we are together, there’s never a moment that you stopped thinking about her. Admit it or not, you, yourself can tell.

I have had enough…more than enough that I, myself, can’t even believe. I have loved you the best way I can…and I think, I have done my part and even exceeded your expectations. Trust me, I am in so much pain, Love. And just the fact that you chose a lie over me says a lot. One day, you’ll look back…and I hope you will remember that someone, somewhere in your past have loved you so real and so deep. I hope by then, you won’t weep and regret.

All has its end. Every race has its finish line. Somehow, I’m glad that I was able to love and give you all that I’ve got. It’s just that, you never really loved me. Love isn’t just a feeling. It is built by integrity, faithfulness, and trust. But everything’s been broken. Really broken. I have tried to fix it but I just can’t bear it alone. I looked at my side but you weren’t there. Instead, you just let me drown in misery ALONE. ALL ALONE. This is by far, the longest 15 hours and 30 minutes of my life. My head is tired of thinking, my body is numb of pain, my stomach is empty that not even a platter of food would suffice. How painful could this get? I shun you not.

Lunar Bow | January 13, 2014

Lunar Bow | January 13, 2014

The moon is a loyal companion. It never leaves. It’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments–changing forever as we do. Everyday, it’s a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human. Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfections. -cfaithlopez

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I hope that every night is like this. I never felt so dreamy. I’ll just look up and smile so sweetly. *heaves a deep sigh*